#fridayflash: ice train by Katherine Hajer

To the passengers, the train stops in the middle of nowhere, nothing to differentiate this patch of vast empty whiteness from the endless kilometres that came before it. The engineer, however, can see the Quonset hut with the wastingly thin strand of smoke hanging from its chimney. He eyeballs the distance, checks some gauges, and pulls on a metal lever with all of his strength.

The train shudders and groans like a large wounded animal. It slows and glides on its frozen-bright rails, the ghost of itself haunting the nothingness. Two hundred metres short of the hut it spasms and stops, throwing everyone aboard forward just enough to cause discomfort and worry. The engineer swears and braces himself against the control panel, careful not to hit any of the buttons.

Two dark figures exit the Quonset hut and make their way across the ice to the train. They are nearly as broad as they are tall, with huge flapping upper limbs like walrus fins. They clomp along the frozen water with a gait most similar to a penguin’s waddle. It is only when they are fifty metres from the train that it becomes obvious they are men.

And still, to the passengers, this is the middle of nowhere. They cannot see the two men waddle up to the engine’s door, they cannot hear the first man hammer upon it with his thickly padded fist. The sounds of the shouting and swearing between the two men and the engineer do not travel through the brittle-cold air, and the clangs of the men’s metal-cleated boots as they clamber into the engine don’t go further than the end of the dining-car. The passengers are swaddled in quilted upholstery and layers of furs, and they wait, anxiously scanning the white field of ice outside their windows.

“The sky’s green over there,” the woman says, pointing. She is “the” woman because she is the only woman on the train, and she has hired six bodyguards to ensure her person is respected for the duration of the journey.

“It’s reflecting open water,” says one of her bodyguards. He sits in the passenger seat next to her. “A blowhole. They open them up for the whales, so the whales don’t go trying to make their own and breaking up the railway tracks.”

“Does it work?” says the woman.

“In theory,” says the man. “Most of the time.” He frowns at the empty ice. "Some of those whales are over two hundred years old, you know."

The woman shudders and settles deeper into her furs. "And they remember?"

The man nods. "They remember. This would have been all open ocean when they were young."

"Is that why we're stopped?" says the woman. "Did a whale break the tracks?"

"I doubt it," says the man. "There would be a lot more activity. Probably we're just at a weather station. Do you want me to check?"

"No," says the woman, staring out over the ice as if she's already lost interest.

A man wearing a big red stocking cap speaks up. "You work for the railway?"

"No," says the man. "Just travel it a lot."

"This thing," the man with the stocking cap jerks his thumb in the direction of the engine, "they made it from a nuclear submarine, eh? So what do we need to refuel for?"

"We don't," says the man. "Like I said. Weather station. The name's Sam, by the way."

"Pierre," says the man in the stocking cap. "You were already on when I boarded at The Rock. Where do you hail from?"

"Great Lakes," says Sam.

"And you're going to?"

Sam's face tenses, he starts to say something, then he relaxes and allows he's going to Spain.

"Nice," says Pierre. "I heard they still have trees there. Vacation for the wife?" He nods at the woman, whose gaze out the window is now more deliberate.

"Business," says Sam. Pierre finally catches the hint and stops asking questions.

The train starts to move again with a screech of metal on metal. The woman startles and glances a question at Sam, who shakes his head "no" in answer.

"My great-great-grandfather used to fish in these waters," says Pierre. "The cod used to come this far north."

"Didn't the ice stop them?" says the woman.

"No ice, not back then," says Pierre. "Back then they were worried it was too warm."

"It was," says Sam. "That's what caused all this."

The passengers can't see from their windows, but the engineer can see. The Quonset hut is already sliding out of view of the engine windows. There's nothing between the train and Greenland's southern peninsula but a hundred kilometres of track laid on ice. To the northeast the engineer feels a shudder, and he instinctively reaches for the emergency brake. Then he spots the thin stream of vaporised water, calculates the distance, and adjusts back to his regular driving position.

"That one was close," he mutters to himself. "What the hell were they thinking?"

#fridayflash: drone by Katherine Hajer

I don't like to be handed things. It's so diminishing. It is! It puts you below the person who's doing the handing, if even for a moment. I can't afford that.

I know people think it's pretentious to say things like this, but I really am a busy, important person. I've had my staff trained to leave what I've asked for, where I've asked for it. I have designated locations in each of the rooms I use regularly. The guest apartments? Well if they're guest apartments, I wouldn't be using them, would I?

Every second counts. We each only get one life. The ability to focus, for there to be a purpose to every moment I spend — and that includes leisure time, because resting mindfully is vitally important if one wants to be a fully functioning human being — that's where I put all my energy. Everything else is superfluous.

Before we go on — is the video link working? The light's good, we don't need to adjust the angles or anything? All right. Because going by the satellite map, it's only half a kilometre away... there. Can you hear it? That burring sound... 250 metres... there! It should be on the camera now...

And there you have it, the first-ever drone delivery pizza. Not touched by human hands since it left the oven, arrived twenty minutes after order, and of course all prepaid. One just pushes this red button, here, and removes the box, so.

They must have put extra toppings on for the demonstration. That's a heavy box! Sorry? Oh, yes, I suppose I could open it and take a bite. To be honest, these days I tend to only eat clean, dairy and gluten don't really agree with my system, but of course visibility is important. We'll have to cut all this last part out, so.... Here, I'm just going to angle the box so the logo shows better — how's that? All right, now I need to angle myself, just let me shift the chair a little and...

That's odd. Are you picking that up, the sound? No?

Maybe this one had a defective keep-warm widget.

Pardon? Oh, the box. It's the pizza box that's making a sound.

It's a sort of ticking noise.

All right, I'm going to count to five, and then I'll silently count to three, and then we'll take the scene from there.

One, two, three, four...

#fridayflash: meat rain by Katherine Hajer

I haven't written in second person for a while (never for a Friday Flash that I can remember). This situation seemed to suit it.

You forgot to bring along an umbrella. You did check the weather forecast, and it said "rain overnight". It's only eight PM now — surely that doesn't count as "overnight" yet? You curse the weather reporters, and you curse yourself for not knowing better. You can feel a big rain coming on, every time. Especially here, where there are rains every three or four days. Your sinuses always tell you. It's like living on a very big, very slow roller coaster.

Something in the vicinity of the bus stop smells of boiled hot dogs and the accumulated grease of a hundred orders of street-meat sausages on a bun. Someone, maybe even a few someones, must have thrown up their hangover cure at the stop. You hope you didn't step in it — the rain is distracting. At least it'll wash away the vomit.

You need to get home, and between here and your apartment is about a twenty-minute walk. You're already at the closest bus stop, which of course is nowhere near close enough. If you even did manage to hail a cab — and good luck finding one around here before the bars downtown close — it would also take about twenty minutes, because it will have to go by the roads, and although you can see your apartment building from here when it's not dark and raining, the route for cars is far longer.

A cab ride lasting twenty minutes is a lot of money around here. You don't have a lot of money.

The streetlamps glow their orangey sulphur gold, and the cars' headlights glow yellow-white, and you notice as you huddle under the bus stop shelter that the wet gleam on the sidewalk and the road looks wrong. Even in the reluctant yellow lighting, it has an iridescent sheen to it, more like a puddle of oil at a garage than the glint of rainwater.

There's no more delaying it. You're going to have to walk home in this. You try to pull your coat over as much of yourself as you can, remember there's a nice hot drink to be made when you get home, and plunge into the deluge.

The force and angle of the wind means the rain blows into your face as you head home, no matter how much you bow your head. The water is warmer than you expected, warmer than the air. Even for all the strange weather this city gets that's unusual.

It doesn't take very long for the rain to drip away from your nose and into the corners of your mouth. You instinctively let it in and swallow it — it's just rainwater, after all — but the taste leaves you spitting and spluttering. You realise the boiled-sausage smell isn't coming from anything deposited on the ground, but from the rain itself. You pick up the pace and jam your hands into your coat pockets. Your fingers slide against each other as you ball them into fists, as if you just dunked them in salad dressing.

You reach the long flight of cement stairs as the wind increases, pressing your soaked, greasy hair against your forehead. The stairs are slippery in a regular rainfall, and treacherous when coated with whatever is falling from the sky now. You have a white-knuckled grip on the rusty steel railing, trying to counteract the slipperiness. Two-thirds of the way down your foot slips off the step and clumps awkwardly down to the next one, making you shout aloud and clench the railing. Bits of grease-soaked rust burrow into your palms.

You finally reach the bottom of the stairs and run along the walkway to your apartment building. Sections of the walkway are tilted and crooked from last winter's frost. During rains they form puddles, framed by the muddy lawn on one side. Normally you would leap over them, but after the near-wipeout on the stairs you instead perform two shorter side-to-side jumps, your left foot landing on the higher part of the slab, your right just beyond the puddle.

You finally reach the front lobby of your building, where the air feels chillier and drier, even though you know there's no air conditioning, and it wouldn't be on this time of year anyhow. You dig your keys out of your pocket, open the security door, and take the elevator to your floor.

Inside the shelter of your own apartment, you can't smell the grease anymore, but you can definitely feel it. At first you just wash off your hands and face (you'll have to assess the state of your coat and shoes later), but that does nothing for your hair and just the general sense of being slimed. So you take a shower, and because that doesn't quite do it, you brush your teeth, rinsing your mouth more than usual.

Later, in your pajamas, you'll part the curtains and watch the rain, which is still pelting down and thoroughly coating everything outside. You start to understand why when you first came here and said rain showers were refreshing, people laughed.

And you start to understand that you can't stay.

#fridayflash: mutant city by Katherine Hajer

There's a certain small city in Southwestern Ontario which, geographically and meteorologically speaking, lies in a pit. Its elevation is much lower than the surrounding landscape, and the weather patterns swirl in precipitation from three different regions, sort of like waste water collecting over a drain.

Thunderstorms are frequent there, even in winter, and often toxic. The residents like to boast that they don't have the environmental problems of their more industrialised neighbours, but the truth is they have their pollution. They get the atmospheric by-products of the petroleum refineries to the west, the heavy industry to the south, and the steel refineries to the northeast. It all falls on them, mixed in with their rain and snow. And, with an anomalous sub-tropical climate created this far north by that lowered elevation, they get a lot of rain and snow.

Strange things happen to the flora and fauna of the city: dragonflies with fifteen-centimetre wingspans look like they should have died out millions of years ago, but populate back gardens; masses of fish in the local river have sudden die-offs from diabetic shock.

And then there was the time the giant thistles showed up by the south branch of the river.

No-one paid them much mind at first, because they just looked like thistles. But they kept growing, and growing, until in the end their average height was just over a metre. They grew in the dead little strip of land between the local power plant and the river, where even grass wouldn't sprout. They stood there, stalks too thick to bend in the wind, with their purple-edged leaves and long white spikes. The locals took to calling them Triffids, and if they'd found one morning the plants had gained the ability to walk, no-one would have been too surprised.

The Triffids took second place to a newer and more frightening event in the neighbourhood. Beyond the power plant was a park, and the park got shut down and fenced off one day, with signs warning of health hazards if anyone went in. This bothered the residents greatly, since the park was a favourite neighbourhood shortcut, and they reasoned (quite rightly) that if it was hazardous this week, it had probably been hazardous for several weeks before that.

Earth-moving equipment was brought in: steam shovels, bulldozers, and several dump trucks to haul the dug-up earth away. People in hazmat suits walked up and down the river bank, right in the spot where the old men liked to fish with their grandchildren, and they used the gear to dig up and move so much dirt that the river was widened at that point, for a good hundred metres along the bank.

This all took about a week, and when the fences and signs finally came down, people stood at the edge of the park and tried to see what had happened. They didn't use it for a shortcut for a very long time. Some people checked the local paper for news, because surely if the river was being reshaped it was newsworthy, but nothing was ever reported.

The locals did notice, however, that sometime during the week the steam shovels had been in action, someone had chopped down and killed all of the Triffids. Nothing was left of them but some bleached, broken stalks with a few withered, spineless leaves attached near the base.

And, not too long afterwards, everyone forgot they had ever been there at all.

NaNoWriMo 2013: 50K, 17 days, how & why by Katherine Hajer

Last Sunday I passed the 50K mark for NaNoWriMo. The web site won't let me "win" yet, because that doesn't get enabled until the 25th, but it let me verify that the 50K is real. That works for me.

There's always a lot of discussions around NaNoWriMo as to what challenges people encounter when they're trying to complete it. My two biggest ones are:
  1. The first of November, besides being the start of NaNoWriMo, is also about six weeks from code freeze at my day job. That means any software projects that have to go into production before the end of the year have to be in very good shape, with no delays. This tends to lead to overtime. If it doesn't lead to overtime, it still leads to a lot of stress, because everyone is more stringent than normal about schedule slippage, and every little thing gets put under the microscope to see if it will affect the launch date.
  2. I get an earache, fever, cold, or sinus infection every freaking November. Most years I'm just getting over it when I get a new illness just in time for Christmas (a major reason I absolutely hate Christmas — I've spent way too much time running around baking cookies and driving to relatives' houses when I should have been in bed nursing a toddy). I've learned that it comes down to sugar intake: if I limit my Hallowe'en candy and Yuletide treats, I lessen the chances I'll come down with something. Lessen. Not eliminate.
Notice that neither of those challenges have anything to do with writing. But if I get flattened by a challenging work project, or knocked out by bacteria, NaNoWriMo becomes much more of a slog.

There was one additional challenge which was writing-related: the previous times I've won NaNo, what I was left with was 50K of unintelligible crap. For 2013, I wanted to come out with 50K of editable crap. Baby steps and all that. That's why I spent last spring and summer writing an outline. The outline has been amazing, because I just have to write up what it says happens. I've made some changes along the way, but even so, it's been much, much easier than straight pantsing.

If you divide 50,000 words over the 30 days of November, you get the infamous 1,667 words per day average. That's fine until you have something else come up (like a sinus infection) that you absolutely cannot avoid. It's necessary to build slack into the schedule.

So I figured it this way:
  • 1,667 is awfully close to the 2,000 words per day Stephen King says writers should do every day anyhow. So call it 2,000. 50,000 / 2,000 = 25 days, not 30. Presto! 5 days of slack without even trying.
  • 5 days of slack isn't enough if I get sick and/or have a super-busy week at work. So let's call it 2,000 words per session, not day, and let's put two sessions per day on days which don't include the day job. I took 1 November as a vacation day, and get 11 November as a holiday because I work in Canadian banking. That works out to 50,000 words by 17 November.
  • Honestly: 2,000 words on a weeknight is a lot for me. It used to be that 500 words was a lot for me on a weeknight, but Friday Flash has helped me get better about that. Let's say 1,000 words per weeknight as a minimum, 2,000 words as the goal. And let's add another 2,000 word session to the weekend and holiday days, for a goal total of 6,000 words per day on those days.
And that's why the bar graph on my NaNoWriMo profile looks like this:
You can see which days were weekdays (gradual increments) and which were weekends (steeper steps). I had three bad days:
  • The 2nd was bad because, ironically, I went to a local NaNo brunch event and had a lovely time talking to people — and then was completely wiped out afterwards. Being an introvert really sucks sometimes.
  • The 11th was bad because I felt like I was coming down with something. It took me almost two hours to get the 578 words completed that day done, not because I had writer's block, but because I kept spacing out and falling asleep. I finally gave up and had a "sick day", which turned out to be the right thing to do.
  • The 16th was bad because I had a flood in my washroom first thing in the morning, and had to have emergency plumbing done. It was all fixed by lunch-time, but spending the morning in a panic, trying to assess the damage and get hold of the plumbers, was not a good way to start a creative day.
Here's the actual spreadsheet if you want to see the hard numbers for each day.

I'm on Chapter 19 of approximately 33 chapters by the outline (there is a chapter or two extra that need to be added to the first third of the novel). The total will come to about 80K words. Since I'm already past 50K, I'm going to take it a bit easier.

Now the plan is 1,000 words per weeknight, with 2,500 words per day on weekends. That's still 10,000 words per week — a nice pace, I think — but not as busy as NaNoWriMo was. Having said that, I'm already 1,000 words behind because I didn't get home until 9pm tonight! Oh well, 3,500 words in one day after those 6,000 word days will be pretty easygoing. That should get my first draft finished the first week of December, and still gives me catchup time if I get ill or swamped.

How do you handle your schedule? It would be great to hear about different approaches in the comments.


    #fridayflash: controlled environment by Katherine Hajer

    "I was in a meeting this morning, and out of seven people, four of them were sick. Now I feel sick. Unbelievable."

    Human Resources would like to remind you that flu season is upon us. Please read and follow the guidelines posted in all the kitchenettes and copy rooms to ensure we all stay healthy and productive.

    "So l go to the doctor, and she says it's just a cold. Just a cold? I've had it for three weeks now! All I do is go to work and go home to sleep. I have no energy for anything else."

    "It's the same as with everyone else who has it. Doris says she slept eleven hours every day this week. She's having trouble finding the time to pack her lunch, do housecleaning, stuff like that. Her kids made themselves sandwiches for dinner last night and left a huge mess in the kitchen 'cos she conked out on the couch."

    "It's because people still come in when they're sick. So you're almost done getting over something, and then you catch something else while your immune system is still busy."

    "Nice they think they're so bloody essential. Like there's no such thing as working from home."

    "I swear next time we have a big meeting, they should bring bowls of cough lozenges instead of doughnuts."

    This meeting is mandatory in-person. No conference call number will be provided.

    Unfortunately, none of the bigger meeting rooms were available, so we'll all have to squeeze in. Please BYOC (Bring Your Own Chair).

    "Just go home. And take a sick day tomorrow."

    "Can't. The proposal has to go out for internal review by noon tomorrow."

    "Do you want help?"

    "It's okay —  it would take longer to explain to someone else than to just do, and I know you're sick too. But thank you."

    Real Estate Services has advised that Friday 1 November, from 7pm to 10pm, the office ventilation system will be shut off for routine maintenance. The building will be closed after 6pm. If you need to do any work during the building closure, please VPN from another location.

    "How long did you work last Friday?"

    "'Til they kicked us all out at six, then a couple of hours after I got home. Why?"

    "I must have just missed you. I got all the way to the mall and realised I left my wallet locked in my desk drawer — "

    "Shit."

    "Yeah, so I can't go without that all weekend, right? So I came back here and had to like beg the security guard to let me in. Get this, they had to accompany me. So my wallet was in my desk drawer where I left it, no big deal..."

    "Okay..."

    "And when I'm leaving, the security guard is kind of hustling me out, and.... it's hard to explain, but he kept sort of blocking my view of the window, even when you think it would make more sense for him to stand by the door, you know? So I lied and told him I'd left my access card in the car —  really it was in my pants pocket, but he'd worked the elevator and opened the door for us, so he didn't know that. So he has to go ahead of me to open the door to get out, and I took a quick glance out the window. Get this: there were people working on those big fans on the roof of the north tower, and they were wearing hazmat suits."

    "Get out!"

    "Seriously."

    "Are you sure they weren't just wearing overalls and welding masks or something? They said maintenance."

    "No way. They looked like they were collecting samples, too."

    "Samples of what?"

    "Don't know. I just got the one look out the window and the guard practically pushed me through the door."

    "Weird."

    "Tell me about it. Say, do you have any antihistamines left? The non-drowsy kind?"

    "Shit, I'm all out again, sorry. Try Cheryl."

    CONFIDENTIAL - DO NOT DISTRIBUTE

    The building air filters have been infused with a new variant. Productivity levels are expected to remain steady based on last quarter's results. FTEs will, on average, be capable of maintaining expected productivity levels, but not have the energy to seek out other opportunities.

    #fridayflash: brain power by Katherine Hajer

    When Trak emitter waves pass through an object in space, the object is not destroyed as it would be from a standard munition. Instead, all the molecules within the object vibrate from the emitter energy. Brittle objects will shatter if hit enough times in a narrow enough time window; gasses, liquids, and more flexible solids will fare better, but the kinetic energy of the vibrations will make them heat up. The process of destroying something like a starship involves targeting the ship enough times in a sufficiently small timespan that the ship is destroyed either from the hull vibrating apart, or from the ship's breathing air expanding so much it causes the ship to explode.

    Often ships survive an assault nearly intact, but with their occupants cooked alive. To a Trak, this is the best outcome. They put so much research into the emitter wave technology that their knowledge of starship engineering is notably lacking. They tend to target parts of the ship where they know there will be a lot of personnel during an attack — logistical quarters, the bridge, communications bays. They have captured enough ships to know how to identify their targets with excellent precision.

    And that was why Commander Qreq was in what was left of her ship's last working communication bay, trying to find a way to complete the necessary calculations for a hyperjump. The communications personnel were slumped around her, all of them dead. The stench of boiled meat hung thick in the desiccated, overheated air. Most of the command panels had slightly melted and then re-hardened once the attack was over, making them useless for interfacing with the shipboard computer.

    Qreq sat at the one surviving panel, the only access to any shipboard computing. She resisted the urge to gouge her claw across the wall in frustration. If she didn't navigate out of attack range quickly, she and the rest of the crew yet living would be cooked or captured, along with the ship.

    The Trak had yet to capture a ship with hyperjump capabilites. Qreq didn't want her name attached to the first one they got.

    She'd come up the chain of command through the communications corps. It would have been almost nostalgic to sit at a console again if the situation hadn't been so awful. At the first detection of emitter vibrations, she had ordered her bridge crew to take shelter in a utility closet, but the swath of waves had been too broad, and the attack had killed them. There had been no room for Qreq, so she had run down the corridor, stopping halfway between the bridge and the nearest logistics region. Her breathing bladder felt scorched from inhaling heated air, but at least she was alive.

    Communications machines were specialised for transmission, reception, and translation of data. They had no way of computing the delicate calculations needed to complete a hyperjump, nor the general processing power to tell the engine room to engage the drive with the correct coordinates.

    Qreq would have to send the data and formulae off-ship for the calculations, then find a way to transmit the results to the engine room. The Trak had chased her ship to a malformed solar system in the far reaches of an obscure galaxy, and if previous reports were accurate, she had about fifteen minutes before the next attack.

    She checked the coordinates again. Beyond the mess left behind by a failed planet, there were supposed to be several large masses orbiting very close to the central star. One of them was rumoured to be carbon-rich. The computers of Qreq's world all used carbon-lattice processing architectures.

    Qreq used the transmission locator on the console to locate a source of carbon among the system's inner planets, and hissed with relief when the next planet after the orbiting ruins lit up almost in its entirety. She quickly retrieved the calculations routine, added the ship's current coordinates, and tacked on a script to make the calculated destination transmit back to the engine room's reception address.

    She pinched the send control for subspace transmissions and tapped her claw on the side of the console for luck. All she needed was a lattice of sufficient size and density, with just a little electricity running through it, and she might be able to thwart those Trak bastards after all.

    "How's the novel going?"

    "Huh? Oh," said Charlotte as her husband started laughing. "Have you just been standing there?"

    "For the last five minutes," said Brad. "At first I thought you were thinking, but then I thought you were sleeping with your eyes open."

    "I totally spaced out. When was the last time I typed something..." Charlotte checked her computer. "Ouch."

    "Still a ways to go before you win NaNoWriMo, eh?"

    "Yeah." Charlotte sorted through her notes as Brad walked away. "Hon?"

    "Yeah?"

    "Do we have any shrimp left in the freezer? I really feel like seafood for dinner all of a sudden."

    "We should. What brought that on?"

    "No idea."

    A shudder rippled through Qreq's ship. She let out a burble of panic, then rumbled in delight as she realised the shudder was from the giant hyperjump engines spooling up. She counted to twelve slowly, and just when she thought that surely the engines were malfunctioning and tearing the ship apart, they stopped.

    Qreq ran to the window at the end of the communications bay. The view showed blue flickers of plasma, and long white streaks as the ship manoeuvred around stars in hyperspace.

    The calculations had worked. Qreq returned to the communications bay and saved the carbon lattice planet's information to the transmission list. She noted that according to the data the locator had gleaned, it was about halfway between equinox and solstice. She wondered if that had anything to do with finding a carbon lattice running idle so easily.

    Never mind. The calculated coordinates should bring them almost within far orbit of the home planet, easily within range to send out a distress call. Qreq left the communications bay to make an inspection of the ship and search for survivors.

    #fridayflash: corporate event by Katherine Hajer

    Meg shifted the stack of papers on her desk. "Go ahead," she said with her back to Candice.

    "Oh that's perfect!" Candice stepped first onto a visitor's chair, then the empty area on Meg's desk. Meg wondered, not for the first time that morning, why Candice had worn a pencil skirt and stilettos on a day when she knew she'd be putting up the Take Our Kids to Work Day decorations.

    Because she's Candice thought Meg, as she pretended that entering a column of numbers into a spreadsheet was a very interesting thing to do.

    "Is the banner straight now? Is it? Oh Joyce, could you just be a love and check for me? Is it straight?"

    Meg considered telling Candice to let Joyce take a look without being yammered at, but thought the better of it. She consoled herself by picturing Candice falling off the desk and breaking her neck. The office should be so lucky.

    "Who's the bright spark who decided to hold this so close to Hallowe'en every year, anyhow?" she asked as Candice made a great show of clambering down to the floor level.

    "Oh, but it's national," Candice said.

    And so is Hallowe'en, thought Meg.

    "Isn't Bradley shadowing you this year, Meg?" said Joyce, probably desperate to change the subject.

    "He's with me, yes," said Meg. "He wants to do what Tom does, but Tom's department can't participate. It's all outdoors and heavy equipment. Safety regs. You know."

    "It'll still be useful for him to see what his mummy does," said Candice for all the office to hear. She tottered off to the site of the next decoration.

    "Safety regs?" Joyce whispered. "C'mon Meg, even Candice isn't that thick. Cut her some slack."

    Meg shrugged, all innocence. Joyce wagged a tentacle at her and ran to catch up with Candice. Meg noted how the bright colours on the banner clashed with the official corporate green-grey of the walls and carpet. She sighed and turned back to her work.

    Meg's computer screeched, announcing a new e-mail. She checked her inbox. The floor manager was going to bring all the visiting teenagers to the camera room, so they could see the operational side through the security monitors. Meg smiled; that would make Brad happy.

    The next day, on Take Your Kid to Work Day itself, participating parents and spawn were treated to breakfast in the boardroom. The floor manager made a speech about the importance of the event, and then led all the shadows away to the camera room.

    "So that was your son in the brown suit, right?" Joyce hissed as they left the boardroom.

    "That was him," said Meg. "I spent an hour last night letting out the hems on his trousers."

    "He's growing into a real monster," said Joyce. "Is he taller than Tom now?"

    "Not quite, but we think he's going to be."

    "Lucky you."

    They settled into their respective cubicles and got to work. Meg made a point of trying to save the more interesting things she had to do that day for later, when she could show them to Brad.

    She didn't get much work done. Nor, it seemed, did any of the other parents. Co-workers who were walking by kept stopping to give reports on how things were going in the camera room.

    "The manager's not just doing a tour," said Bill, one of the accountants Meg sent data to. "He's asking questions. Your Bradley was answering a lot of them, by the way, and very well too."

    "He's been asking, so between Tom and I we've been trying to explain to him," said Meg.

    Bill leaned down over Meg's desk so he could whisper to her. "Candice's girl got something wrong, and your boy corrected her. He knew the ships don't have captives on them, but volunteer sacrifices."

    "Oh yes," said Meg. "He and Tom were discussing that over dinner just a couple of nights ago."

    "Well, the manager was impressed, let me tell you. Brad will have a nice recommendation at the end of this if he plays his cards right."

    "That would be lovely," said Meg, and Bill walked away. She turned back to her work and added another paragraph to a report. As much as Bill's news was good, it made her nervous. Surely today was just about letting the spawn see what the working world was like. She hated the idea that they would be evaluated for service without having a chance to prepare.

    Bradley appeared just before lunch, and said the floor manager had told all the teens to collect their parents for lunch. Meg locked her computer and hurried to follow him to the cafeteria.

    "I spotted Dad on the cameras!" Brad said as they slid into an elevator. "He was signaling to a ship's captain that the hold was closed and they were ready to go."

    "Lots of offerings this time of year," said Meg.

    "Where do they take them to?"

    "It's hard to explain. The Great Old Ones sleep at the bottom of the ocean, in a very deep trench. There's not much to mark it on the surface. Before GPS and the live NASA feed from the Hubble telescope, they had to wait until the stars were right."

    "But that's what you do, don't you?"

    "Sort of. I get data on the volunteer sacrifices, the star charts, and the shipping conditions, and put it together into some sort of timetable. If I can arrange things so that we save money on crew and fuel, it goes towards my end of year bonus. I'll show you after lunch."

    "This is so cool." Brad's one grey-green eye gleamed.

    "I'm glad you're enjoying it."

    The elevator doors opened and they made their way to the cafeteria. The floor manager greeted them at the door.

    "Did you tell your mother about your morning?" he said.

    "There's so much to tell!" said Brad. "This is so great."

    "Glad to hear it." The floor manager beamed at Meg.

    "Cthulhu fthagen!" said Brad.

    The floor manager's smile widened. "Cthulhu fthagen," he said. "Now do make sure you get in the lunch queue quickly — we've got human on the menu as a special treat."


    Happy Hallowe'en to all the monsters.

    #fridayflash: 50k by Katherine Hajer

    On the first day of NaNoWriMo, Andrew wrote about the dinosaurs. There were hunts by carnivores and narrow escapes by herbivores, and then an asteroid fell to Earth and killed all of them except for the crocodiles and the birds. Andrew gave one of the velociraptor characters a pet chinchilla named Squiffy, and when the asteroid fell Squiffy survived and swore revenge against any orbiting object not classified as a moon or planet.

    The end of the writing day saw Andrew describing Squiffy shaking his little chinchilla fist at the night sky. Andrew posted nearly 5,000 words to his NaNoWriMo profile.

    On the second day of NaNoWriMo, Andrew remembered he'd ended with a night sky and something about space objects under a certain diameter. He wrote about an intergalactic space battle being staged between Saturn and Jupiter, with the Earth completely oblivious because all the fighting occurred in Dimension X, and besides, Voyagers 1 and 2 were long finished with that part of space.

    The leader of the good guy aliens was a chinchilla-like creature named Captain Squiffy. Squiffy was kind and compassionate, but knew how to always pick the right choice when it was time for tough decisions.

    The bad aliens had better guns and faster ships. They destroyed the good aliens' ship. Of all the crew, only Squiffy made it to an escape pod.

    The escape pod hurtled through the solar system to the nearest inhabitable planet — Earth. But Squiffy watched the aftermath of the battle through the escape pod's only portal and shook his chinchilla-like fist. He swore revenge for his crew against the bad aliens.

    Andrew finished the day at just over 13,000 words in total. He updated his profile and went to bed.

    The morning of the third day of NaNoWriMo, Andrew wrote about a far-future Earth. The human race had wiped itself out through poor management of natural resources and eating too much junk food. The dominant civilised species were highly evolved descendants of chinchillas. One of them, a scientist named Squiffy, had discovered a way to travel through Dimension X. She was lecturing on her discovery, showing a view of Dimension X on the giant computer screen behind her podium, when all of a sudden the scientists in the audience gasped.

    Dr. Squiffy turned to see what they were pointing and staring at on the giant computer screen. "It can't be," she said.

    The alien escape pod hurtled through Dimension X towards Earth.

    Andrew wrote a lot about Dr. Squiffy and her efforts to rescue the occupants of the escape pod from Dimension X. By the time he was done, technically it was Day 4 of NaNoWriMo already. He was a little upset his word count would be marked as zero for Day 3, but pleased that he was almost at 26,000 words.

    Andrew spent the rest of Day 4 sleeping and getting chores done around the apartment, because his roommate Doug complained he hadn't done any in almost a week.

    On Day 5 of NaNoWriMo, Andrew wrote about the escape pod landing on Earth, but still inside Dimension X. The Dimension X Earth was still ruled by the dinosaurs. Captain Squiffy befriended a velociraptor. Because he was a scientist before he became a spaceship leader, he made detailed studies of Earth, saving everything in the escape pod's on-board computer.

    Andrew finished Day 5 with just over 20,000 words left to go. Dr. Squiffy and her team of smart, brave scientists had just arrived in Dimension X, only a few kilometres from the escape pod landing site.

    On Day 6, Andrew wrote about a Tyrannosaurus Rex discovering the team of Earth scientist chinchillas and attacking them. Captain Squiffy's friend, the velociraptor, went to see what the T. Rex was attacking, in case he could get an easy meal out of the leftovers. Upon discovering that the creatures under attack were so similar to his own beloved friend, the velociraptor called upon his entire velociraptor tribe (Andrew left a note to himself — was it reasonable that the velociraptors in Dimension X had evolved into a tribal social structure?)

    The velociraptors ganged up against the T. Rex after some of the other scientists were killed, but not Dr. Squiffy. The friendly velociraptor led her to Captain Squiffy's escape pod, where they finally met.

    Andrew did a word count at this point. The battle between the tribe of velociraptors and the T. Rex had been very drawn-out and detailed (to be fair, the chinchilla scientists didn't just sit around, but helped defend themselves). He was only about 5,000 words short of winning NaNoWriMo.

    On Day 7, the Captain and Dr. Squiffy discovered that they spoke the same language, and spent a long time discussing how this could be before Captain Squiffy showed Dr. Squiffy and the surviving scientists the detailed notes he'd taken about Earth dinosaur life. The scientists discovered that the portal between their Earth and Dimension X was closing, so they ran for it, but the two Squiffys decided to stay together.

    Andrew closed the day at just over 53,000 words and downloaded his winning NaNoWriMo certificate.

    "I did it," he said to his roommate.

    "Did what?" said Doug, not looking up from the comic book he was reading.

    "I won the novel writing contest."

    "Already? Don't you have until the end of the month or something?"

    "Yeah."

    "Cool." Doug turned the page.

    "What do you think about me getting a chinchilla?"

    "A what?"

    "A chinchilla. For a pet."

    "What the hell are you going to do with a chinchilla?"

    "I'd name it Squiffy, for one."

    Doug finally stopped reading the comic book. "You want to name your pet chinchilla Squiffy."

    "Yeah, I just said that."

    Doug rolled his eyes. "That word, I do not think it means what you think it means." He went back to reading his comic book. "All the cleaning and food and vets and stuff would be down to you. I'm not helping."

    "Cool."

    "So what's the novel about?"

    "It's a depiction of how the same personality reacts to different temporal and physical settings. You know, like 'The Secret Life of Walter Mitty' or Cloud Atlas."

    "You did talking dinosaurs again, didn't you?"

    "No." Andrew saved and closed his document file before Doug could see.

    will november just start already? by Katherine Hajer

    Confession: it really annoys me when I hear an author being interviewed and they talk about their characters as if they are real people. And not just real people, but people they know the complete past, present, and future of. It just sounds so lame somehow, at best eccentric and at worst delusional.

    What makes it even worse is that this annoyance makes me a self-hating hypocrite, because that's exactly what happens to me.

    Last year was my worst NaNoWriMo yet — 300 words for the month. There were excuses: overtime worked, Yule presents to knit, illness. That last excuse is especially weak since I'm always sick in November, but the others are weak too. The main reason, in the end, was writer's block.

    I was writing other things, like Friday Flash every week, and the Tuesday serial which was running at the time. But the novel characters just didn't want to talk.

    Now they are. Now they're talking so much they're telling me things that can't possibly be relevant to the story (or maybe it is?). Now they're even suggesting structural things, like how to name and organise the chapters.

    It's got to the point where instead of the "why did I sign up for this?" dread I usually get before NaNoWriMo starts, I can't wait to get going. It's weird.

    I'm going to try to stick to my original plan of getting some flash fiction done before November starts, and then sticking to the project plan I outlined as much as is reasonable.

    50,000 words month or no, it will be good to Finish All the Things.

    How are you doing with your writing plans? Or do you not use plans and just let the Muse arrive as she feels like?

    #fridayflash: clock by Katherine Hajer

    The computer chimed. Dr. Bancroft ate one more mouthful of fried rice and checked the data results as he chewed and swallowed. As soon as the rice was deposited in his stomach, he smiled.

    "Eight per cent better than projected," he called out.

    Dr. Scugog popped his head in the door. "Eight, did you say? Or point eight?"

    "Eight," said Dr. Bancroft, triumphantly scooping up another chopsticks' worth of rice.

    "When the hell did you order food?" Dr. Scugog hurried in the door.

    "Half an hour ago. Help yourself — I got the feast for four."

    "Thanks. Were you expecting someone else to be around tonight?"

    Dr. Bancroft shook his head "no" as he swallowed. "It's the best deal on the menu, and meh, if there's any left I don't have to make lunch for a few days."

    "Fair enough." Dr. Scugog stepped behind Dr. Bancroft's chair so he could look at the report and eat at the same time. "Wow. Nice. What happens when the temperature shift happens, though?"

    "Natural course of events," said Dr. Bancroft. He pointed at one list of numbers with his chopsticks. "So the algae population doubles once an hour under optimal conditions, and 'optimal conditions' have been defined as present-day global warming levels. A bit too warm, but not Disaster Fun Time Hour yet. Right?"

    "Which model did you go with..." Dr. Scugog spotted a book on Dr. Bancroft's desk. "Okay, right, those numbers make sense."

    "These little guys eat carbon dioxide and hydrogen sulphide. They love the stuff. Thrive on it. But eventually they eat enough, or at least they ate enough under lab conditions that, here, these numbers show, the base temperature goes down one degree C, and then see?" Bancroft pointed to another set of numbers.

    "They just die off?"

    "Yeah, but with the carbon and water acidity maintained because these little guys have locked it away. So it's like the work of the rainforest, except without the rainforest. How cool is that?"

    "So will you be throwing a party when you win the Nobel Prize?"

    "Of course I am. Pizza and ice cream all around."

    Scugog grinned and ate some more food.

    "And if the temp rises again... we reintroduce them, rinse, lather, repeat," said Bancroft.

    "Sounds too easy to be true."

    "Easy? It was definitely not easy getting these suckers developed. Now that they are, though..." Bancroft helped himself to some lemon chicken.

    The computer chimed again, and a progress bar started marching across the top of the screen.

    "What's that?"

    "I set it to refresh automatically every five minutes. It generates the report, saves it, and then the timer starts running again. I hate having to just push the Enter key on a timer. Makes me feel like one of those rats we used in second year, you know?"

    "You didn't want to reward yourself with a food pellet after every successful keypress?"

    "I circumvented the test and found a way to get the food anyhow." Bancroft waved a piece of chicken around on his chopsticks.

    "Oh yeah! Speaking of rats..." Dr. Scugog told Dr. Bancroft about an article he'd read recently. The two men continued to chat, and Dr. Bancroft went to get a drink from the nearest campus vending machine. When he returned, Scugog was frowning.

    "You sure you don't have a bug in the calculation routines? Since you let me look before I thought it would be okay to check, and these numbers..."

    Bancroft frowned and sat down at his desk. "I see what you mean. Well, maybe the population is still bottoming out."

    Scugog raised an eyebrow. "It's going up, looks more like. Can a big enough mass of these things generate heat?"

    "Maybe...." The progress bar appeared at the top of the screen again. Both men watched it grow, two character widths every second. The computer chimed and refreshed the report.

    "Can't be," said Bancroft. "Can't be — see that number? The population would have to take up fifty per cent more space than the grow tank allows for that to be true. I must have a bug. Dammit! I thought I'd checked everything. Goddamn it." He drank a slug of cola and slammed the top of his desk with his fist.

    "Might be a bad probe in the tank. You said the reports are saving automatically, right? C'mon, let's walk down to the lab. I'll help you troubleshoot it. Those things are a bitch to test with just one person."

    Dr. Bancroft sighed. "Appreciate it." He gulped down the rest of his drink. "Now okay?"

    "Sure, I'm done eating." They got up and left just as the progress bar started to march across the screen again.

    "Busted hardware or no busted hardware, I'm going to have to destroy the sample and run the whole damn thing over again," said Bancroft as they walked down the corridor.

    "Yeah, but you want to know what was wrong with it before you re-run the test. Could still be promising. Might have been good data at first."

    Bancroft snorted. "Who the hell died and made you the department optimist?"

    Scugog shrugged. "I just mean don't freak out yet. Happens to everyone." He sniffed. "Smell that?"

    "Yeah, now that you mention it," said Bancroft. "Smells like we have a really nasty case of mildew."

    "It's those damn overnight cleaners," said Scugog. "They think because hardly any of us are around at night, they can skip shit. Like they don't know this is a freaking laboratory or something." They reached the door at the end of the corridor.

    "I hate to whine, but I guess we should say something to the dean," said Bancroft. "Monday." He tapped his security keycard against the reader. The door clicked open.

    "Smell's worse in here," said Dr. Scugog. They walked down a narrower corridor and turned a corner.

    The next door was stainless steel and required a different keycard, a thumbprint, and a combination to be punched in. Dr. Bancroft did the necessaries and opened the door.

    Dr. Scugog screamed first. Dr. Bancroft tried to push the door shut again, but was overwhelmed before he could do so.

    Back in the office, the computer chimed.

    t-17 days: thinking about deadlines by Katherine Hajer

    NaNoWriMo starts in seventeen days. That means I've been looking at the calendar, trying to figure out how exactly I can make word count in the shortest amount of time without ruining my health.

    In previous years, I've usually managed to finish a few days before 30 November, but that's not the whole story. When I look back on the days I wrote and how many words got set down, it's much more like a flood/drought situation: 9,000 words (or more) on the weekend, maybe 1,000 during the week.

    I seem to have deleted my old word count spreadsheets from previous years, but I did find a note from last year (where I got under 1,000 words done for the whole month, ouch!). The projected plan was if I wrote 2,500 words on Fridays, and 5,000 words each day of the weekend, and then another 5,000 on 11 November (because I work somewhere we get Remembrance Day off), then I'd just make it. That must have been a November which was heavy on overtime.

    Yeah. I just can't feel bad about missing that one.

    There's lots of sprints and other on-line events to get writers ready for November. For me, the best thing has been Friday Flash. Usually I wind up writing my story on Wednesday or Thursday nights. Often I don't have an idea for my story until Wednesday or Thursday night. To work out and write an entire short story, even a flash one, in that amount of time is a lot harder than sustaining a longer one. It also means that writing when I'm tired, sick, busy, etc. isn't as daunting as it used to be.

    This year I projected that if I write:
    • 2,000 words per block
    • 1 block each weeknight
    • 2 blocks on weekends, the vacation day I'm taking 1 November, and 11 November
    Then I'll be done by 17 November. I doubt that will actually be true, but it's an interesting thought. 2,000 words isn't that much more than the hard average of 1,667 words per day to reach the 50,000 goal, assuming you write every day for the entire month.

    All this play with numbers is a good reminder that in the end, it's not the word count, but the story that matters. The word count will get you a web badge and a certificate to print out. The story will get you most of the way through writing a book.

    #fridayflash: the benefits of myopia by Katherine Hajer

    I tried to do this art photo series once, black and white, just ordinary objects. The trick was I wanted to make the camera's lens as out of focus as my eyes are when I don't have my glasses on. It's funny to me, but even adults sometimes really don't understand what it's like to be nearsighted. At least children will ask.

    I still think it was a good idea, but I ran into technical difficulties: the camera's lens couldn't go as out of focus as my eyes. Not even close. I suppose with different gear I might be able to pull it off, but in the end it was just a whim, so I've never tried.

    People have this funny stereotype of the half-blind stumbling around when they don't have their specs on, but if you're in a place you know, it's not much different than seeing things sharply. Yes, I have to press my nose right up against the washroom mirror to put makeup on, but there's a kind of beauty to the blur that's hard to explain.

    Beauty, and wonder. Lots of subjective wonder. Like sometimes, when I wake up from a really good sleep, just for a moment if feels like I get a glimpse of the entire room in focus without the help of any apparatus. Then it falls apart to blurriness again. Someone with 20/20 vision can't appreciate that. It's like there's this fuzzy, half-hidden world that only the sand-blind get to know about, and we need the lenses to see the other, sharper world.

    With my glasses off, I'm not like those fully-sighted people who think that, every once in a while, they see shadows without sources. I know which ones they are. They're the ones which are still nice and crisp when everything else is a blur.

    The shadow-people will talk to us. Not right away, of course. But if you consistently show that you're not afraid of them, they'll stop disappearing every time they know they've been spotted. And if you're consistently friendly every time they pass through, they'll start to be friendly back.

    The shadows love fairness, and vindication appeals to them. Did you throw snowballs at me in sixth grade, when my glasses were so fogged up that I could see better without them, but not well enough to see the chunk of ice that smacked me in the face? The shadows are going to exact revenge for me.

    Believe me, that's something I can hardly wait to see. I might even take photos.

    #fridayflash: protocols by Katherine Hajer

    Frank flipped desktop panels and refreshed the web page. No new page visits. So not exactly a hotspot of internet attention. He flipped back to the editor, added two more lines of code, and told the project to compile.

    His computer had enough CPU power that he could have flipped back to the web page, but with this code he didn't want to risk anything. He checked his coffee cup and sipped back the last cold dregs. He didn't want any more, but made himself go to the kitchen and fix himself another cup from what was left in the pot. Anything to stop from thinking.

    Yes, your niece's class newspaper is an amateur news outlet, but they have a publicly available web page, so it's still a news outlet. The protocols are very clear — no talking to the press in any form without permission from the Prime Minister's office. That goes for all scientists working for Canadian government posts. You've applied for permission before. You know that.

    He had told the HR rep that he also knew his niece was twelve years old, as was everyone else in her class, but she'd just said rules were rules.

    Frank sighed and filled his coffee cup three-quarters of the way, leaving space for milk and sugar. It wouldn't have bothered him so much — with his skill set, he had opportunities in the private sector — except that they had also stopped funding for his project without even checking on the status.

    "Goddamn bureaucrats," he muttered. He took a sip of coffee, burned his tongue, and spat it back into the cup. Who cancelled a weather satellite programme just after it was launched, anyhow? The big money had already been spent. Now the satellite was orbiting the earth, and the HR rep had told him no-one was going to try to collect its data or communicate with it, just because the government had decided to spend the money elsewhere.

    Holding the coffee cup with his fingertips, he returned to his office. His code was almost compiled.

    Frank set the coffee cup down and picked up his phone. His finger hovered over the e-mail icon. There were already some job offers in his inbox. He tapped the web browser icon instead and navigated to his niece's class newspaper site and the article she'd written, interviewing him about the Alouette satellite Canada had launched in 1962.

    Fifty-six page hits, according to the old-fashioned counter at the bottom of the page. Probably the teacher who had set up the site had last learned about web page design in the 1990s.

    At least half those page hits were from Frank himself. The rest had cost him his job and the five-year satellite project.

    His computer chimed, and he turned his attention to the code project. He made himself take another cautious sip of coffee.

    The satellite was supposed to send back photos and data on the effects of climate change over northern Canada. To do that, it had to be turned on from the ground. Only someone who knew the initial settings and passwords could do that.

    If a government employee tried to talk to the satellite, they'd be in breach of their terms of employment for working on a programme officially declared dead.

    But Frank wasn't a government employee anymore.

    He executed the code and made himself take another sip of coffee, reminding himself that the satellite would need a few seconds to receive and transmit.

    The computer screen flashed, and Frank hurriedly set down the coffee cup and read the response.

    Hey. I can see my house from here.

    Frank smiled and told the communications module to only respond to his messages.

    t-31 days and counting! by Katherine Hajer

    Last Saturday I participated in the 10K Day event that Fear of Writing held. My goal wasn't to actually write 10,000 words — just to get the outline for my current novel done. I didn't quite make it, but I'm a lot closer than I was before. The idea is to finish this week.

    Besides the obvious part about needing to get it done simply because it needs to, there's the issue that this is the project I want to do for NaNoWriMo this year. In the meantime, there's the getting ready for NaNoWriMo to do:
    • write five Friday Flash stories ahead so I can post them during the month and not take time from NaNoWriMo activities
    • get some soup and stew meals lined up so I don't have to spend a lot of time cooking when I could be writing
    • do some more baking and get it in the freezer. I try to make my own (whole grain, spelt, low sugar) breakfasts, and scones/malt loaf are nice and portable for the office. Greek yogurt and fresh fruit is even better, but I'm just not that organised.
    • knit five socks so I won't be behind on Yule knitting. That's five socks, not five pairs of socks. There are three pairs (ie: six socks) in total, but I'm not crazy enough to think I'll get all of them done before October ends, given that none of them are even cast on yet. That's one sock done every six days in October. That's not too bad. Really. Um...
    • finish at least one of the two jackets I'm sewing. I'll be needing them when it gets colder.
    Those are the major things. I don't count housecleaning because:
    • it's an ongoing thing
    • in this apartment it's mostly automated
    • it gives me time to plan my next writing move
    Are you doing NaNoWriMo? Do you have any "make-ahead" tips and tricks for getting through November (or any writing marathon)?

    #fridayflash: chlorine and rosewater by Katherine Hajer

    Archibald wheezes from his one good lung, makes a half turn and shoots phlegm to the pavement. Not in front of the shop door he's lurching through now: that's the door to Archie's shop, and he's very proud. No, he's deposited the slimy green string on his neighbour's step, the bicycle shop. Archie leaves the street like he doesn't care, but when he shuts his door behind him, he checks his aim. He grins. The gob is right in the centre of the step. Impossible for customers wheeling their machines in or out to miss it.

    The sign over his shop door says, "Archibald Grotsky & Sons, Apothecaries," but there are no sons and there never were, no matter what that whore over in Rosewater Lane likes to claim. Old Archie just likes the ring of it is all, same as he likes it when the customers assume he lost his lung in the Great War. Really it was just before — an unfortunate night with some badly-measured chlorine compounds and a bottle of cheap gin. But he can't see that it harms anyone not to know that, so he stays mum.

    It's nearly four o'clock, and Archibald thinks he deserves a cup of tea. He's had twice as much custom as normal, and he hasn't even had a chance to check inventory.

    He peers at the old brass clock that keeps watch above the door. It tells him there are precisely five minutes before the hour.

    All right, Archibald bargains with himself. Five more minutes, and if no-one comes in he'll flip the sign just long enough to put the kettle on.

    Four minutes on, and it feels like the entire street has been abandoned. Well then, Archibald thinks, can't cheat the proprietor if that's who you be, and he turns to just nip in back and get the water started...

    ... when the door clicks and the bell startles.

    Archibald wheels around, and for a moment he's certain Jim Fleet's ghost has come to make good at last, because he doesn't see anyone. Then he glances down and spies a small, pinched-looking girl standing a few paces from the counter.

    "And where did you arrive from?" he says to the urchin.

    "Rosewater Lane," replies the girl.

    Archibald frowns and waits a beat to get a better look. The girl is wearing a shabby but unpatched red coat, with an orange muffler round her throat, badly knitted. Her black stockings disappear into little purple boots maybe a dozen years out of fashion.

    But the girl's face, the small eyes, large nose, and thin mouth glaring balefully from under a tumble of too-straight dirty blonde hair... An ugly, angry little creature, with far too many features just like his own. The blonde was shifting to mousy brown already, and she couldn't be more than nine.

    Damn that whore, Archibald thinks. She always did have a bent sense of humour.

    He feels his own nose wrinkling in contempt, which he quickly covers with his best professional smile.

    "And what does the little lady need today?" he says.

    The girl's scowl deepens. "Mama said to get her some suppression powder. She says she's irregular."

    Archie snorts, which to his embarrassment sets off a fresh round of wet coughing. "Irregular? She can just go to a herbalist's for that. Tell her to ask for senna tea."

    The little girl rolls her eyes. "Her lunar cycles are what's irregular. That's why I said suppression powder. Don't you know anything?"

    Archibald draws himself up straight, and only lets loose one short cough before he gets his lung under control. "I'm the best in the city. That's why you were sent here and all."

    "Then the gods help us," the girl mutters, not quite under her breath. "Suppression powder, please." She reaches into one of her coat pockets and stands tiptoe to place three silver coins on the counter.

    "Certainly," says Archibald, though all he can think is how badly he wants to toss the little bastard-bitch out the door, square into a patch of horse-dung if he can aim right. He places several brass weights on one side of his balance, and sets to tapping a variety of powders, dried leaves, and crystals onto the other side. When the brass needle points straight up he takes up a small glass jar and pours the mixture in with a flourish. He stoppers the jar and shakes it, then gives it to the girl.

    The girl holds the jar against her coat with one arm, working the stopper off and dropping it on the floor. With her free hand she retrieves a lint-specked clay bottle from her pocket. Flicking the cap off with her thumb, she pours clear liquid from the bottle into the mixture in the jar.

    Archibald has been too busy checking the coins and throwing them in his till to notice the girl's actions. But now a thin white mist is wafting from the jar, and it's making hissing sounds.

    "You little wretch, what did you — " His eyes widen. "You can't add water to the whole lot at once! Just a dose at a time! You stupid little fool, you'll kill us both!" He makes to run around the counter, but fear sets off a paralysing new round of coughing.

    "Not both of us," the girl says. "Just you." She sets the jar on the floor, restoppers it, then picks it up and tosses it over the counter with surprising force. She's aimed for the end nearest the back room door. Archibald could have caught it mid-air if he hadn't been nearly doubled over.

    The jar smashes against the door to the back room, releasing thick clouds of white smoke. The little girl screams and runs out of the shop in well-practised hysteria.

    Later the shop will air out. Later old Archibald will be found. Later the neighbours will learn he never did divorce his wife after all, nor update his will. Later the police will come to Rosewater Lane to relate the sad news to the next of kin, and discover that the poor wee daughter lost her mother but a week before, and is now alone in the world. How fortunate that between Archibald's and her mother's will she's worth enough to pay for her education and housing until well after she's of age.

    And once the police leave, after she assures the last of the neighbours that she'd much prefer to sleep alone at home than be a bother, the girl takes a pendant from her night-table drawer and stares at the wreath of hair trapped in its glass dome.

    "So, Mama," she says, "what shall we go and do next?"

    we are all pro-technology by Katherine Hajer

    Every year, Lake Superior University provides a list of "banished words" — words or short phrases which have been overused, overexposed, or are just plain annoying. Utterances by businesspeople, politicians, and economists are especially prone to winding up on the list.

    There's one word whose meaning has narrowed since the nineteenth century that I'd like to reposition, if not ban, and another related word whose scope has expanded at the same time. If I got total control over the English language for one day, as soon as I made sure everyone knew the difference between "it's" and "its", I'd make sure that "technology" and "luddite" went back to more accurate usage.

    Let's start with "luddite". Originally it meant someone who disagreed with technology being advanced at the expense of people's jobs. Nowadays it just means anyone who doesn't consider themselves "technical".

    Put it this way: if you remark on Twitter or a blog that you're a "luddite", you're in danger of being a hypocrite.

    You're also not as eligible for sympathy as you might think. For every creative person who thinks that being a "luddite" is an excuse for a poorly-designed web page or a badly-formatted manuscript, there's at least one other creative who rolls up their sleeves and makes sure things come out properly.

    Claiming to be a "luddite" in these matters is like a visual artist not bothering to learn what happens to canvas when you apply paint to it, or a quilter who doesn't bother learning about sewing machines (but uses them anyhow). If you're using the tools and materials, you should know about them. I'm not saying you have to learn to solder together your own motherboards; just that if you choose a computer as a means of expression, you should know how to do writing-related tasks with it, and know what best user practices are.

    Now, on to "technology." When I was in high school, I saw a documentary that really opened my eyes about technology. The narrator explained that the purpose of the documentary was to explain how machines work. To this end, first the documentary was going to start with simple machines.

    The first simple machine to be explained was a teeter totter (lever).

    The second was a spring.

    The third was a combination of those two simple machines: a doorknob.

    A doorknob is a technological innovation. In comparison with the whole of human history, spring-controlled doorknobs aren't even that old.

    "Technology" doesn't just mean computers, or cars, or radios. It doesn't only count if it's something you're not interested in.

    And really: the average typewriter user in the 1970s knew how to change the ribbon, make basic screwdriver adjustments, and clean the machine's innards as necessary. They also knew how to change from Courier to Elite, black to red ink, memo paper to letter paper. They knew how to centre a title and right-align an address.

    The average laptop/tablet/smartphone user should be able to do the equivalent. Nothing "technical" about it.

    #fridayflash: the evidence by Katherine Hajer


    Note for 20 September 2013. Patient ID CW-141-5359, name Cassandra Alicia Webb. Barry, a reminder that "Alicia" is the variant spelled as "Alice" except with "ia" at the end instead of "e", and "Webb" has two "b"s, not one.

    Test results:
    This is Day 3 of testing, and the general intent of today's tests was to attempt to confuse the subject and check on long-term memory. We started with a series of short-term memory tests which the subject had already performed on Day 1, but with different content.

    Test 1a: subject was provided orally with a list of the five most recent Australian prime ministers. There was a fifteen-minute pause, during which we discussed the most recent American League East baseball games in general and the performance this season of the Toronto Blue Jays in particular. Not only did the subject mention several box scores during the pause conversation — Barry, make a note to check the source recording and see if all of her numbers were right, please — but she was able to recite all of the names of the prime ministers correctly, in the reverse order from how they were provided. She also noted that we started the sessions with the same test using Canadian prime ministers, and asked if we were testing her knowledge of politics. This is another instance where the subject has exhibited mild belligerence and/or frustration with the testing.

    Tests 1b and 1c: number and shape memorisation. Same numbers and shapes as last time, but in a different order from the tests conducted on Day 1. Again the subject scored 100% on recall and supplied the responses from the Day 1 versions herself after providing the Day 3 answers.

    General observations: the subject recites the responses rapidly and in a slightly angry tone, although otherwise she is generally polite and easygoing. Her demeanour changes noticeably when we have the pause conversations. I've tried to react neutrally to these shifting moods, but she spontaneously apologised for her behaviour and said she finds the tests too easy. Since she knows she's got 100% on everything thus far, I acknowledged that she's never had any difficulties with them.

    After the first three tests were administered, we took a coffee break. The subject noted that I put the milk in my coffee first today. She said that since the beginning of the sessions I've always put the sugar in first. I admit I can't remember either way. Barry, if the cameras were left running please take a look and see if we can find any evidence.

    Second half of the session: I brought Cassandra to the lounge so that we would be in a more informal environment, and explained to her that the rest of the day would be spent learning about her memory ability from a subjective point of view — that is, how she believes she is perceived, and what she believes are the differences between how she perceives the world around her and how other people do. She gave several examples of when she noticed that a shared experience changed for the people involved as it was discussed, whereas with her particular condition it does not. One typical statement, quoting from my notes: "Ironically, I get told I'm wrong a lot. But as you can see from the tests, I don't seem to forget anything. Sometimes I wish I could shift details the way that other people do." End of quote. Barry, the time for that was about 2:30, give or take five minutes. Please provide the exact quote from the audio in the notes. Thank you.

    During the discussion I asked the subject to repeat for me what I had said to her when we were first introduced last week, and she recited what seemed to be a word-for-word repetition of my explanation. Barry, once again, please check the recordings and verify. There's a lot of verification work with this one. Remember it's the final session.

    I introduced some deliberate variations on details as we reviewed the different tests and what had happened on each day, and the subject corrected me every time. Barry, I'll do the verifications on these because you already have a lot of recordings to get through and I was working from my notes. Please enter a comment that I ensured that at no time could the subject see my notes. The video record will be evidence of that.

    Conclusions: If all of the verifications show a match, then the recommendation will be that the charge of perjury be withdrawn. If we do find any discrepancies, they may indicate the subject is either lying or has made a mistake, but in light of the formal test results we'll have to review our own notes very carefully to ensure we weren't the ones who made the mistake. Per standard procedures, please don't send anything to the prosecutor's office until I've had a chance to review all documentation.

    Final notes: If, based on the evaluations, the recommendation is to withdraw the perjury charge, the subject will most likely be out of a job. Barry, please prepare a remuneration application and a letter of proposal for further research with Ms. — that's Ms., not Miss, she stated that explicitly on her release form — Webb. Examples of hyperthymestic syndrome are few and far between, and all indicators are that she has it.

    End notes. If I remember anything else to be documented, I'll send a separate file. See you at the meeting.

    #fridayflash: for your information by Katherine Hajer

    Ontario Ministry of Transportation

    September 13, 2019

    Version française suit ci-dessous

    Mr. JOHN A. DOE:

    Please find enclosed your Vehicle Licence Renewal labels. In accordance with the Highway Traffic Act, you are required to affix the plate renewal label to the rear licence plate on your vehicle, and the verification label to your vehicle ownership permit. Please see the diagrams on the reverse side of this letter for information on how to affix the labels correctly.

    You are receiving these labels and this letter in accordance with the International Security Act. The provincial Ministry of Transportation, in compliance with Canadian federal regulations, has obtained proof from the National Security Agency of the United States of America that you have made no efforts to sell or otherwise relinquish ownership of your vehicle in the last three months. Therefore, since your licence plate renewal is due within the next six weeks, the Ministry has taken the following steps to ensure you remain in compliance:
    • your odometer readings have been obtained from the commercial garage which services your vehicle for oil changes and tune-ups;
    • your insurance information has been verified with your vehicle insurance provider;
    • your local police force have confirmed there are no outstanding infractions on your driving record;
    • the necessary licence renewal fees have been charged to your credit card.
    Beyond affixing the labels as stated above, we require no further actions or information from you at this time.

    If in fact you will cease to be the owner of this vehicle within the next six weeks, for any reason, you are required to return the renewal stickers to the Ministry, using the enclosed return envelope. Your renewal fee will be reimbursed, less reprocessing charges. Please fill out and return the reprocessing form included in the return envelope.

    Please note that under the International Security Act you are hereby notified that any electronic transmissions regarding your vehicle, including, but not limited to, any telephone calls, SMS ("text") messages, e-mails, fax transmissions, or any documentation transmitted via the internet may be reviewed by the National Security Agency of the United States of America, and that per the articles of the Act copies will be sent to the Ontario Ministry of Transportation. Information need not be directly addressed to the Ministry to be collected.

    If you have any questions or concerns, please contact the Ministry using the information on our web site. The web site address is listed above the label diagrams on the reverse side of this letter.

    Ontario's roads and highways — yours to discover

    Note:

    Check the "letter" date — yes this is fiction. But if even half of what's been leaked by Snowden is accurate, near as I can tell this fictional security legislation could pass into law tomorrow, and a respectable chunk of the infrastructure would already be in place. There would be a lot of legislation to pass, given that it would be a multilateral agreement, but technically it could be done — assuming internet infrastructure stays the same as it is now.

    don't fear the adverb by Katherine Hajer

    The first time I noticed it was in Apple's ad campaign:

    I remember having a conversation about it with a Mac power user friend of mine which went something like this:

    Friend: I love the new Apple ad campaign. So elegant, so simple.

    Me: [eyeroll] Yeah, except it makes them look illiterate.

    Friend: How can it look illiterate when they're using photos of Mark Twain and Bob Dylan?

    Me: Think differently. It's think differently.

    Friend: Well maybe they didn't want to use an adverb. Adverbs are weak forms.

    Me: It's still an adverb. Leaving out the suffix doesn't transform it into a non-adverb. The only word it could possibly be modifying in that two-word sentence is "think", which is unambiguously a verb. "Different" can't be a direct object or a subject, because it's not being used as a noun. Writing the sentence in natural order as "Different think" doesn't make any sense.

    Friend: Oh whatever, but the sense is clear, and that's all that matters, right?

    Me: Okay, so you're defending a company that's made its name on its design aesthetic and famously rigid attention to detail when they approve an ad campaign that gets the grammar wrong in a two-word sentence?

    Friend: If Microsoft did the same thing you'd be defending them.

    Me: Ah, no, because a) I don't use Microsoft products and b) I support choice in hardware and software...

    If you know anything about the history of personal computing, you know we stopped talking about grammar then.

    I don't know if it was the influence of the ad campaign, or if the ads were just illuminating that part of the zeitgeist, but it seemed that ever after that people were dropping "-ly" suffixes in print and speech. A neighbour a few doors down from me put a bumper sticker on his car that said, "Save the adverb". A lot of people who claimed to otherwise care about grammar and usage were claiming that the "-ly" suffix was going the way of "thee" and "yclept". They said it was "retrograde" to cling to it.

    Let the record show: these people also tended to be the ones in my acquaintance who were completely okay with constructions like (dis)ease and inter/cut. Right.

    That was then. Now telling writers not to use adverbs is considered standard advice — any adverbs, not just ones shorn of the suffix which tells the reader it's an adverb. Stephen King famously advises against them in On Writing, and other voices weigh in with their own examples.

    The only legitimate reason I've found to chop out adverbs (general concerns about being too wordy notwithstanding) is that they are sometimes used to modify verbs which are too weak to show the action properly. Replace the verb with a more appropriate word, and the adverb is superfluous.

    Example: He walked slowly down the street.

    Change to: "He strolled -" or "He shuffled -" or "He dragged himself-" and get rid of "slowly".

    Fair enough. However, I'd say in these cases it was never the adverb which was the problem, but the verb. The adverb swooped in and helped identify the problem, and got handed the blame for it. That's not a nice way to treat parts of speech.

    To get rid of adverbs entirely is to get rid of an entire part of speech. Not a trope, or a convention, or a standard, but an entire chunk of natural language.

    You may think differently, but to me that's reactionary and counter-productive.